The Very Nerve

I work with a woman who has the most beautiful complexion I've ever seen. It looks like pure porcelain, not a mark, wrinkle, or blemish to be found. It looks air-brushed, her skin is that stunning.

As Tina Fey would say, "I want to go to there."

And so, even though I don't know this co-worker very well, I asked for her beauty secrets because hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, and my skin could use a little tune-up. And, as women are wont to do when paid a compliment, she was sweet and flattered, and happy to share her skin care products.

Except I learned that we used the exact same line! Could it possibly be (gasp) ME? Ah, but then she revealed one additional product she uses, a tinted sunscreen, which I deduced must be the secret ingredient: all I had to do was add this particular item to my skin care and voila! Buh-bye Howdy Doody, hello Hot Mama, right? Right?

And so, I went to Amazon to place my order, but first perused the reviews, which were awesome, of course, every one of 'em. "Best product ever" and "light and silky on your face!" I was right: this WAS the missing link. I was ready to click "send" when one review caught my eye. The headline said, "Great, except for the alumina."

Uh, what's alumina?

It's a chemical, I read, "...a suspected neurotoxin that is classified as toxic or harmful.. something to be wary of, especially if" --these words jumped from the screen --"you are predisposed for any degenerative or neurological diseases."

Now, it's no secret that four years ago, I had jaw surgery that resulted in permanent nerve damage to my face and inside my mouth. Then, last year, the fun continued when I was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder in which a protein in my blood is "eating" my nerve sheaths. This condition, which first attacks the longest nerves in the body, has already numbed both feet and is slowly working its way up my legs.

I've got, in the most literal sense, a bad case of nerves.

That's why this review caught my eye. It led me to do a little research, which validated that it's probably not a bad idea to avoid alumina. Don't want to aggravate the little buggers more than they already are, know what I mean?

But then I wondered, was alumina in MY sunscreen? I grabbed my tube of Neutrogena, the stuff I religiously slather on my already-numb face to prevent melanoma. The stuff I've used for years. And, as the theme song from "Psycho" played in my head, there it was, the number one ingredient: alumina. 

Alrighty then.

So I'm tempted to order the toxic stuff because heck, the harm has already been done. It's like my lame jaw surgeon said when he tried consoling me about the nerve damage done to my face:

"Hey, you may be numb, but at least you look good."