Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

A couple years ago for my birthday, my sister gave me a Fitbit. And in the second that it took me to clip it to my bra, I joined the legions of fitness fanatics who track their every footprint with the goal of reaching the recommended 10,000 steps a day. 

Yes, I love my tracker. Which is why I was happy to cover the fairly new phenomena of fitness trackers for pets. Recently I wrote an article on the subject for the San Francisco Chronicle  and of course, I had to get a Poof Pet Activity Tracker for Hazel. Her activity pattern is pretty much as I suspected; she sleeps most of the day until the hour approaches when I'm due home. Then she starts moving around, getting restless and waiting for me. You can tell precisely when I walk through the door because her activity level spikes.  We go for our 50-minute walk, I nail my 10,000 steps, she's happy, and we're both fit and healthy. We return home, Hazel goes back to sleep and I follow my usual routine of watching TV or reading before going to bed. 

Now here's the thing: recently I became Fitbit "friends" with a coworker. The purpose is to encourage one another ("c'mon, you're almost there!"), act as cheerleaders ("you did it!") and occasionally throw down challenges ("how much can you do in one day?"). And I was feeling pretty good about reaching my 10,000 steps a day until I happened to notice that Kelly was consistently averaging more than me. A lot more.  Like double more. Like to the moon and back more. I thought I was in pretty decent shape until I came up against my Fitbit nemesis. 

Oh, and in case you're wondering, we're the same age, so it's not like she has the advantage of youth. At night, while I'm huffing and puffing alongside my bed doing jumping jacks at 10pm in order to reach my 10,000 steps, Kelly has already far surpassed me and is banking steps that take her into next week. She motivates me, that's for sure.

And that's a good thing. But I wish my Fitbit could "friend" Hazel as well.  Because while I like being motivated, it would soothe my bruised ego to "win" every now and then too -- even if my competition is a sleeping dog.  

Hey, I won't tell if you won't.

Waxing Philosophic

After a cozy night curled up on my sofa, listening to the howling winds and pouring rain, it was time to take my laziness to the next level and go to bed. I'd been burning a cinnamon-scented candle and as I blew it out, I fanned the air to distribute the wafting fume--and knocked the candle over. 

Well, "knocked" isn't quite the right word. That is, unless you picture legendary baseball Hall of Famer Hank Aaron at the bat, ready to take a swing and knock it out of the park. Then yeah, "knock" would be an accurate depiction because the hot melted wax that sprayed from that knocked over candle was indeed, to use another famous baseball analogy, "the shot heard around the world."

Or "around my living room" might be more like it. With utter dismay, I saw sprayed red wax all over my Oriental area rug and beyond it, streaks of red wax across my hardwood floors. Damn! There went my visions of nestling in bed with a good book.  How would I even begin to clean this stuff? 

"Ah, young Jedi," said my inner Master Yoda. "Google,you should start with." So I did.

And instantly found easy peasy instructions: let the wax harden, cover it with a white paper towel, and then iron it on the hottest setting until no more wax transfers to the paper. So I did just that on both floor and carpet and voila--it worked like a charm!  And since the wax was red and my area rug is wine-colored, there was nary a sign of the aforementioned "shot heard around the living room." Crisis averted! I unplugged the iron and prepared to go to bed.

But then. I saw flecks of red wax on Hazel's slumber ball pillow, which, fortunately, is also wine-colored. Sigh. I plugged in my trusty iron and waved my magic wand. Again, it worked fine. 

But then. Surely the waxy spray couldn't have extended any further, could it? I looked beyond Hazel's pillow. Beyond the area rug. Beyond my coffee table. And there it was.

My beautiful sage-colored sofa was covered with flecks of red wax. It looked as if it had been stricken with a case of the measles. In a panic, I ironed, ironed, ironed! but soon discovered this solution wasn't as effective on light-colored material. It lifted the wax, yes, but the oil stains remained.  Desperate, I pulled out the Kryptonite that came with my purchase 12 years ago: a special sofa fabric cleaner I've never had to use because I've never spilled a drop on my sofa--until now. 

It didn't work. 

Now here's the irony: just hours earlier, I had told my friend Alisa that I was getting tired of this sofa, but couldn't justify buying a new one because it was in such perfect shape. It still looked like it came straight from the Macy's showroom--until now, that is. And at that moment, I realized I had broken my cardinal rule:

Say it, curse it.

Just like the first person to ever utter the words, President Trump, I was doomed the minute I voiced a thought and alerted the universe. 

Sighing for both couch and country, I finally trudged upstairs to bed. Say it, curse it. Indeed.

How to Make 2017 Rad

• Stop doing shit you hate

• Love your body more

• Hang with awesome peeps

• Smash some goals

• Share your magic

• Be freakin' brave

• Flaunt your awesome

• Love harder / Love louder

• Be kinder to yourself

• Be a nice human

• Give assholes the boot

~courtesy of Mommy Needs a Beer