Saturday, March 28, 2015

What's Up With Hazel?

So, what about Hazel? Those first couple days after losing Olivia, watching Hazel was pathetic. Every morning, upon awakening, she'd bolt down the stairs and immediately start searching for her companion throughout the house.  In the kitchen, behind the sofa, in the backyard, out the window, sniff, sniff, sniff, where are you, Olivia?

Then it's like she would suddenly remember, and she'd flop herself on Olivia's pillow like a wet rag and just lie there, heaving the occasional sigh. As if my heart wasn't already breaking, watching Hazel mourn was like rubbing salt in the wound.  I know how you feel, girl. I miss her, too.

But today Hazel is thriving and adjusting to her single status better than I could have hoped for. Of course it helps that I'm heaping her with affection, taking her on marathon walks twice a day, and bringing her with me when I run errands, something I couldn't always maneuver with two dogs. She's probably thinking, "Hey, this isn't so bad."

I'm also taking her to doggie day camp once a week so she can enjoy a little canine stimulation and socialization while I'm at the office.  I don't know what goes on at these soirees, but when I pick up her 10 hours later, she is exhausted, raising her head only to eat dinner, and then returning to her pillow to pass out until the next morning. Let me tell you, this dog snores like a buzz saw.

I'm repeating everything I did after Elvis died--at that time, I focused all my attention on Olivia and that's what helped cement our bond. 

In time there will be second dog, I'm sure of it.  Yes, two dogs are more expensive, more messy, more work. But dogs are pack animals, and watching Olivia and Hazel interact together--walking belly-to-belly, sleeping side by side, and even drinking from the same water bowl (even though they each had their own)--confirmed my belief that dogs may love their humans, but they need their peeps, too. 

I'm just not ready for that second dog, though. Not yet. I still miss my girl too much, but that's okay. Like I said, in time. 

For now, it's Hazel's turn.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

P.S. Olivia

Oh, how I miss Olivia

Last Friday would have been her 7th birthday.  I've never been one to celebrate canine birthdays (even I know when to draw the line!), but on Friday morning I awoke with a vivid image of what Olivia must have looked like as a greyhound puppy, and what a hard life she would face for the next four years, not as a pet, but as a commodity: a race dog. 

That hard life came to an end when, at age 3 1/2, she was retired and I adopted her. However, I've documented how Olivia didn't adapt easily to being a household pet. She didn't know how to receive love or affection. Didn't know how to react to other breeds or how to share her space. During several walks, she lunged at passing small white dogs (her particular bug-a-boo), inciting one angry owner to scream at me in a thick French accent, "Zees is a horrible dog dat ees worse dan zee pitbull!"  More than once Olivia bared her teeth when I got too close to her pillow or growled when I tried to remove something she shouldn't be eating. One time she snapped so close to my face I swore she shaved the peach fuzz off my cheek.

And during our first year together, I often wondered just what had I gotten myself into?  Sure, I would continue to feed her. Walk her. Care for her. But would I ever really love her?

Of course we all know the answer. Eventually Olivia came to realize that an extended arm didn't mean she was going to be smacked, but instead be stroked.Passing dogs wouldn't attack, but just sniff.  Slowly, Olivia transformed from a frightened, wary dog into my loving, happy girl who bounced with sheer joy at the mere sight of me. On walks, she came to greet strangers with a wagging tail, nuzzling nose, and happy trot, expecting them to love her as I did. 

The big orthopedic pillow that she once fiercely protected with a threatening growl soon became "our" pillow. Every single night I'd lay near her side and she would immediately get up, circle three times, then lay back down and spoon against me, draping her head over my shoulder so I could rub her neck, scratch her ears, and kiss her needle nose. While watching TV that's what I would do, giving my lovely 'Livvy all the love and attention she had missed during her first three years of her life. It saddens me that after such a rocky beginning, she knew love for such a brief time. 

But my dear friend Deb said that what happened to Olivia was destined before she ever even entered my life, and if I have faith in the Divine, the decision was made that, "This dog gets to spend some time with Eileen." What mattered was the part of her life she spent with me was as good as it could possibly get and to consider the happiness we shared in our short time together.  Deb's words slowed my tears and warmed my heart. 

"Any dog that lives with you has won the lottery," she continued.  Perhaps, but I'm the one who feels like the winner. Because each canine spirit that graces my life expands my heart and finds new depths of love that I didn't know existed.  I never thought I could love another dog as much as I did Elvis. 

My sweet Olivia proved me wrong.  

Friday, February 13, 2015

'Livvy and the Rainbow Bridge

My constant companion. My faithful friend. My forever love, yesterday, today, and always.

February 27, 2008 - 
February 13, 2015

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Promise to Olivia

My sweet girl is still with me, but three months after her diagnosis, I cannot ignore the heartbreaking facts: she's now doing the three-legged hop, and our formerly brisk mile-long walks have been reduced to ten-minute jaunts to the corner and back.  Her tail is still wagging,  she still gets excited when she sees her leash, and she still has a healthy appetite, all of which almost lets me fool myself into thinking maybe it's not that bad...

...until I see that limp. That's when I remember the vet at U.C. Davis telling me that a bone tumor is very painful followed with her dire warning about the excruciating pain of a leg fracture that is imminent at this stage. I also remember my promise to Olivia-- the same promise I made to Elvis and Lucy:

I won't let you suffer. I will never let you suffer. I have to let Olivia go before the pain becomes unbearable, even at the cost of my own personal grief.  

And so, I'm preparing my girl for this journey she's about to take without me. It may sound crazy, but it's been distressing to think that when Olivia crosses the Rainbow Bridge, she won't know anyone on the other side. That's why, on the floor, next to her pillow, I've placed a portrait of my mom so Olivia might recognize her face. It comforts me to think of placing Olivia in my mother's loving arms and knowing she'll take good care of her newest "grandpuppy."

At night, when I'm lying next to Olivia on her pillow, stroking her velvety ears and rubbing her neck, I tell her about this wonderful place she's going to visit. A place where she'll be reunited with Elvis and can once again run without pain.  I tell my girl how much I love her, and how sorry I am that she's hurting, but I promise she's going to feel better soon.  I try not to cry because I can tell it distresses her and I want her to feel nothing but peace and love. So much love.

And she snuggles deeper against me and sighs a contented sigh and I hold her tight and wonder how can I bring myself to take this final step, how can I say goodbye to this dog I love so much?  I never want to let her go.  But I have to.  

Because it's time to remember my promise. 

Sunday, January 4, 2015

A Lifetime Dog

Last night I invited my friend, Lynn, over to watch an episode of the Twilight Zone. Not just any episode, mind you, but my all-time favorite. I love it so much, in fact, I wrote an essay about it several years ago that ran in my former "Dog's Life" column in the San Francisco Chronicle column. It also ran later in The Bark magazine.

Today, I'm repeating a portion of this essay because it still resonates so strongly. I originally wrote it about my first greyhound, my "lifetime dog," Elvis, but realize now that the emotions I expressed back then capture how I feel about the dogs I've had since Elvis; my mother's dog, Lucy (who I adopted after Mom passed away) and my current girls, Olivia and Hazel.   

If you love your pets with even a fraction of the intensity that I do, you'll know exactly what I mean.


Today, when I look at my beloved dog, who will soon turn 8, I can't help but note his now gray muzzle and eyebrows. Like his human, Elvis is showing signs of age. And I realize, with an ache, that our time together will be much too brief.

That's why I'm so fond of a particular Twilight Zone episode. Titled "The Hunt," it features a recently deceased man and his dog. As they ramble down a country road in the hereafter, they come upon a gate. 

"Welcome to heaven!" the gatekeeper declares. Except for the dog, that is. 

"What kind of heaven won't allow dogs?" the old man asks. "If he can't come in, then I'll stay out with him. He's been my faithful companion all these years and I can't desert him now." 

So the old man continues down the road with his dog.  Soon, they come upon another gate. 

"Welcome to heaven!" the gatekeeper greets both man and dog. When the old man asks about the previous gatekeeper who said that dogs weren't allowed, he learns it was the devil. 

"He gets all the people who are willing to give up a lifetime companion for a comfortable place to stay," the old man is told. "They soon find out their mistake, but then it's too late." 

And the old man and his dog pass through the gates, toward the light. Toward heaven.

When I cradle my dog's face in my hands and look into his liquid eyes, so full of unconditional love and loyalty, there's no doubt.  Elvis is my faithful companion. My lifetime dog.

And this is heaven.

*Read the complete version in The Bark

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Merry Christmas

My sweet girl is still with me, limping on occasion, but she seems to be comfortable thanks to pain medication. I won't lie; the past two months have been extremely stressful trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm going to lose my lovely "little tiger."  I keep second-guessing myself, wondering if deciding not to amputate is the best decision. Is it? 

But then I remember what the vet at UC Davis told me when I took Olivia there three weeks ago for a second opinion. She said that Olivia's bone cancer is most likely the very aggressive osteosarcoma, and even with amputation only 50 percent of dogs survive up to 12 months. 

I can't pursue such an invasive procedure with such poor odds. I can't carve my girl up just so I can have her a few extra months. I just can't do that to her. And so, I'm focusing on pain management and quality of life.

So far we're good. Her tail is still wagging, her appetite voracious, and she still gets over-the-top excited when she sees me grab her leash. Our walks may be slower and shorter, but I'll keep taking her "bye-bye" as long as she wants to go. 

Olivia is doing as well as I could possibly hope for, given the circumstances. Honestly, when she was diagnosed on Halloween, I didn't think she'd still be with me for the next holiday, let alone walking and playing with Hazel. That in itself is the best Christmas gift I could ask for this season. 

And a Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones, be they two-legged or four.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Olivia Update

It's not a pinched nerve. That's what we thought, remember? 

But when Olivia's limp worsened after two months of anti-inflammatories and pain killers, Dr. Arnott finally referred me to a specialist. This guy took one look at her limp and said immediately that she wasn't limping from nerve pain. He suspected either a torn or injured ligament in her right rear leg.  He studied Dr. Arnott's x-rays from September and then took new ones to confirm his suspicion.

When he returned to the waiting room though, his face held a stunned expression. 

"It looks like a tumor," he said. "I'm so sorry."

What? But it could be a shadow, right? Or benign? Or a fungal infection, which can mimic the symptoms of a tumor? Or a mistake, or anything, anything....

But when the surgeon performed a biopsy four days later,the report confirmed my worst fear: fibrosarcoma and possibly the even deadlier and aggressive osteosarcoma. Bone cancer. The surgeon couldn't get a wide enough margin for a definite reading because Olivia's leg is already so fragile, the bone was crumbling around the entry point of the needle.  

Amputation is only a palliative measure, not a cure. If it were a cure, I wouldn't think twice, but removing the affected limb will buy Olivia a mere 4-9 additional months before the cancer returns. And it will return because it's in her marrow. It's only a matter of time. I can't put her through such an invasive procedure for such a short fix. I can't do that to my sweet girl

This Wednesday marks our third anniversary when, on November 19, 2011, I saw my three-year old  "little tiger" for the first time at Golden State Greyhound Adoption. When I took Olivia home that night, I was walking on air, thrilled at the many years we had ahead of us to look forward to.  Now, we have just weeks.

I am sick with grief. Absolutely sick. 
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