Happy Valentine's Day

Cleaning out my desk yesterday, I came across a stack of old newspaper articles I'd written from the late 90s and early 2000s. One piece in particular stood out, and so, in honor of Valentine's Day, I bring you a reprint of:

THAT SINGULAR SENSATION
"Studies insist that singles are looking for love in all the wrong places. No kidding, Einstein. If we were looking in the right places, we wouldn't be single on Valentines Day, now would we?
Desperate men order brides from Russia. Alaskan hunks advertise on Oprah. Lonely women seek dates online and singles beseech their friends for introductions.
Ann Landers says it's simple: We should hang out at houses of worship and attend 'wholesome social functions' where we're sure to eventually meet someone. Oh sure, Ann, it's that easy. Maybe during Prohibition when you last had a date.
These days, people create websites, join single groups, auction themselves on eBay, and sell their souls on reality TV, all in hopes of meeting a potential mate. The results?
We're still sleeping single in a double bed.
The thing is, most of us aren't Neanderthals. We're fairly decent people with good jobs and most of our teeth. All we want is a loved one to balance a checkbook with, raise a kid or two, laugh with us at the movies and cry with us when we're audited. A soul mate who will love us, cellulite and all, along with the promise to donate a kidney should ours suddenly go on the fritz.
Where is that special someone who will lovingly rub our feet, take out the trash, wax the car, do the laundry, cook the meals, program the VCR and clean up when the dog gets sick? A life partner who will waltz with us at weddings and post our bail when we're busted?
Like our married friends, we're really just romantics at heart.
We too crave the intimacy of shared hangovers, interfering in-laws and children that we can lovely refer to, over Sunday morning Alka-Selters, as spawn of demon-seed. Where, oh where, is the amour who will kiss us full on the lips in spite of that festering blister? Sigh.
Nothing says love like shared Amoxocillin.
Despite our carefree image, most singles are responsible enough to recognize the trust, commitment and selflessness it takes to make a successful union work.We are fully aware that marriage is a give-and-take relationship. Our loved one gives and we take. We are willing to make the sacrifice if it means we can attain that highest of goals:

An iron-clad pre-nup.
Yet for reasons unknown, true love continues to play dodgeball with many singles. I, for one, will keep hoping to meet that special someone. A man I can look square in the eye and whisper with heartfelt emotion, 'I've canceled the restraining order.'
Because really, I'm just a sucker for romance."