Ringing in 2018

"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one." 
~Brad Paisley, country singer

Happy New Year to all God's creatures great and small. And greyhounds. Especially greyhounds (say Hazel & Aiden).

XOXO Eileen

Not a Problem

So yeah, it's been awhile. That's because for most of the year I've been preoccupied with my newest dreaded word in the English language: renovations.

The saga started in February, when my sister and I decided to do some minor updates to the childhood home we inherited from our mother. Bear in mind, this house was built in 1969 and hadn't been cosmetically touched since Nixon was in office. Picture the Brady Bunch home and that about sums it up.

We weren't overly ambitious though, mainly due to limited funds. In preparation to either continue renting or consider selling, we would simply paint the entire interior, install new hardwood floors, and that would be it. Period. And new carpets in the bedroom, too. Oh yeah, that means we would need new baseboards, so add that.  Hmm, new doors would look great. And new kitchen granite counter tops would look stunning. And new inset lighting. And a new dishwasher. But we can't do the kitchen and ignore the bathrooms, so let's do new bathroom counter tops, too. And marble floors. Oh heck, and throw in new sinks while we're at it. And water fixtures. And light fixtures. And toilets. And fans. And mirrors. And ventilation. And let's not forget curb appeal: we must do landscaping too, but the front yard only. And a new irrigation system. Okay, we'll do the backyard, too. 

Four months later, we're finally done and our beautiful childhood home looks like it's been blessed by The Property Brothers and kissed by Chip and Joanna Gains. That is, until we discover a fly in the ointment--or to be more specific, signs of water in the crawlspace. What the what?

So we call a water restoration company to remove the standing puddles and afterward, hire a plumber to locate the source of water. Except they can't find an obvious cause. They follow up with a thorough, more detailed, day-long inspection to find the leaking culprit but still, no luck. All pipes are in perfect working order, they say.  So we hire a drainage company to determine if perhaps the new irrigation system is at fault. Nope, nothing out of the ordinary there. So we hire a leak-inspection company for another, more targeted inspection. Again, nada. 

Two months later, after numerous inspections and countless costs that would have easily covered an all-expenses paid year-long trip for two to Tahiti, we get the final verdict: "It's just the way the house is built," they tell us with a shrug. "All homes in this neighborhood have some water under the house. It's not a problem."

Not a problem? Not a problem?  After months of stressing about this, I look like Keith Richards.  I've memorized my freaking credit card number and the security code in back, thanks to "it's not a problem." 

Which brings us to our final crowning touch to the house: the "For Sale" sign that went up after everything was done being hammered, painted, sprayed, and sealed. We got a preemptive offer before it even went on the market.

And once again, I can sleep. And smile. And splurge. Because--thank God--it's not a problem. 

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

A couple years ago for my birthday, my sister gave me a Fitbit. And in the second that it took me to clip it to my bra, I joined the legions of fitness fanatics who track their every footprint with the goal of reaching the recommended 10,000 steps a day. 

Yes, I love my tracker. Which is why I was happy to cover the fairly new phenomena of fitness trackers for pets. Recently I wrote an article on the subject for the San Francisco Chronicle  and of course, I had to get a Poof Pet Activity Tracker for Hazel. Her activity pattern is pretty much as I suspected; she sleeps most of the day until the hour approaches when I'm due home. Then she starts moving around, getting restless and waiting for me. You can tell precisely when I walk through the door because her activity level spikes.  We go for our 50-minute walk, I nail my 10,000 steps, she's happy, and we're both fit and healthy. We return home, Hazel goes back to sleep and I follow my usual routine of watching TV or reading before going to bed. 

Now here's the thing: recently I became Fitbit "friends" with a coworker. The purpose is to encourage one another ("c'mon, you're almost there!"), act as cheerleaders ("you did it!") and occasionally throw down challenges ("how much can you do in one day?"). And I was feeling pretty good about reaching my 10,000 steps a day until I happened to notice that Kelly was consistently averaging more than me. A lot more.  Like double more. Like to the moon and back more. I thought I was in pretty decent shape until I came up against my Fitbit nemesis. 

Oh, and in case you're wondering, we're the same age, so it's not like she has the advantage of youth. At night, while I'm huffing and puffing alongside my bed doing jumping jacks at 10pm in order to reach my 10,000 steps, Kelly has already far surpassed me and is banking steps that take her into next week. She motivates me, that's for sure.

And that's a good thing. But I wish my Fitbit could "friend" Hazel as well.  Because while I like being motivated, it would soothe my bruised ego to "win" every now and then too -- even if my competition is a sleeping dog.  

Hey, I won't tell if you won't.

Waxing Philosophic

After a cozy night curled up on my sofa, listening to the howling winds and pouring rain, it was time to take my laziness to the next level and go to bed. I'd been burning a cinnamon-scented candle and as I blew it out, I fanned the air to distribute the wafting fume--and knocked the candle over. 

Well, "knocked" isn't quite the right word. That is, unless you picture legendary baseball Hall of Famer Hank Aaron at the bat, ready to take a swing and knock it out of the park. Then yeah, "knock" would be an accurate depiction because the hot melted wax that sprayed from that knocked over candle was indeed, to use another famous baseball analogy, "the shot heard around the world."

Or "around my living room" might be more like it. With utter dismay, I saw sprayed red wax all over my Oriental area rug and beyond it, streaks of red wax across my hardwood floors. Damn! There went my visions of nestling in bed with a good book.  How would I even begin to clean this stuff? 

"Ah, young Jedi," said my inner Master Yoda. "Google,you should start with." So I did.

And instantly found easy peasy instructions: let the wax harden, cover it with a white paper towel, and then iron it on the hottest setting until no more wax transfers to the paper. So I did just that on both floor and carpet and voila--it worked like a charm!  And since the wax was red and my area rug is wine-colored, there was nary a sign of the aforementioned "shot heard around the living room." Crisis averted! I unplugged the iron and prepared to go to bed.

But then. I saw flecks of red wax on Hazel's slumber ball pillow, which, fortunately, is also wine-colored. Sigh. I plugged in my trusty iron and waved my magic wand. Again, it worked fine. 

But then. Surely the waxy spray couldn't have extended any further, could it? I looked beyond Hazel's pillow. Beyond the area rug. Beyond my coffee table. And there it was.

My beautiful sage-colored sofa was covered with flecks of red wax. It looked as if it had been stricken with a case of the measles. In a panic, I ironed, ironed, ironed! but soon discovered this solution wasn't as effective on light-colored material. It lifted the wax, yes, but the oil stains remained.  Desperate, I pulled out the Kryptonite that came with my purchase 12 years ago: a special sofa fabric cleaner I've never had to use because I've never spilled a drop on my sofa--until now. 

It didn't work. 

Now here's the irony: just hours earlier, I had told my friend Alisa that I was getting tired of this sofa, but couldn't justify buying a new one because it was in such perfect shape. It still looked like it came straight from the Macy's showroom--until now, that is. And at that moment, I realized I had broken my cardinal rule:

Say it, curse it.

Just like the first person to ever utter the words, President Trump, I was doomed the minute I voiced a thought and alerted the universe. 

Sighing for both couch and country, I finally trudged upstairs to bed. Say it, curse it. Indeed.

How to Make 2017 Rad

• Stop doing shit you hate

• Love your body more

• Hang with awesome peeps

• Smash some goals

• Share your magic

• Be freakin' brave

• Flaunt your awesome

• Love harder / Love louder

• Be kinder to yourself

• Be a nice human

• Give assholes the boot

~courtesy of Mommy Needs a Beer

Never a Good Time

Which is worse? 

To wake up on what appears to be just another typical day with your happy, healthy dog snoring alongside you, only to go to bed that evening suddenly alone, bereft, and heartbroken; just like that, your dog is gone, the unsuspecting victim of an asymptomatic disease or horrific accident.

Or is it worse to know that a tumor, infection, or disease is festering inside your beloved pet and will eventually kill him, but you hold on to that slim sliver of hope that maybe your dog will beat this thing. And you do chemo treatments and countless surgeries, pills, and appointments, practically draining your meager savings account in a desperate attempt to save your dog's life, praying that maybe he'll be the exception. You wake up each morning with a hopeful, yet heavy heart, wondering if today will be "the day" until eventually it is. 

Which is worse? The answer is both.  

I pondered this question after reading an email I got last week from two dear friends. Tom and Susan fostered Hazel before I adopted her and to this day often dog sit for me. Just a couple months ago I stayed at their house for a few days and dog sat their three greyhounds, Zizi, Ziggy, and Zita. Right off, I knew their email contained bad news.

"...it's with a heavy, saddened heart that I tell you our beloved Zizi died today of lung cancer. Last night she became short of breath. She had no other symptoms. The cancer caused two spontaneous pneumothoraxes--one in each lung.....she gave us seven years of happiness. Hug your hounds and remember how special they are and how short a time we get to enjoy them."

Tom and Susan were offered the option to operate on Zizi in an attempt to treat the disease, but they elected to euthanize her on the spot. Hard as it is, I would have done the same thing. Years later, I still cringe when I think of the horrific surgeries and treatments I inflicted upon my first greyhound, Elvis. For three months I grasped at every straw there was, trying desperately to save that dog's life, unable to fathom living without him.  But in the end, the cancer won. It always does. 

That's why, when Olivia developed bone cancer, I didn't even consider amputation, although it may (key word: may) have extended her life by a year or two. Whenever I thought about amputation, I remembered Elvis: his carved-up neck where the tumors kept growing back, his daily vet appointments to drain the leaking tumors, his numerous shots, his waning energy, his tired eyes. I couldn't do that to another dog.

And so, four months after Olivia's osteoscarcoma diagnosis, I heeded the difficult words of Stu Homer, the founder of Golden State Greyhound Adoption: "Do it while their tail's still wagging."  Olivia's tail was still wagging, and she hadn't yet experienced the excruciating agony of a broken leg, when I made the heartbreaking decision to say goodbye to the dog I called "my sweet 'Livvy."    

It's because of Tom and Susan that today I have Hazel. I remember getting an email from Tom saying, "We're fostering this little fawn that I think you'd love!" and the rest, as they say, is history.   

This afternoon, I thought of my friends after returning home from a weekend getaway. I didn't think Hazel would miss me much since it was only two days and she'd been left in the excellent hands of Deanna, a good friend who gives belly rubs, chicken treats, and likes to take long walks. But when I opened the front door, Hazel almost mowed me down, heaving her 65 pounds onto my lap and pressing against me so tightly it was almost as though she was trying to melt into my skin. Then she'd jump off me, do a couple joyous laps around the sofa, then leap back onto my lap, knocking the breath out of me, and snuggling her knobby head under my chin as I peppered her needle nose with kisses.

And I hug my hound tighter than normal, loving this goofy girl so much my heart is physically aching, and remembering Susan's sage words. Because it's such a short time I get to enjoy her.  

Finding the Perfect Gift? Priceless

I'm always perusing catalogs in search of a gift that might be fun, interesting, or unusual. Sure, gift cards are convenient as anything and appropriate in certain situations, but for family and close friends, gift cards are too impersonal, too easy. They say, "I was standing in line at Safeway and as I pulled out my Safeway Rewards card to save 80 cents on this six-pack of toilet paper, I saw an iTunes gift card and thought of you. Happy birthday!"

Uh no.  Not for my younger sister who bought me the Fitbit I wanted; my older sister who gave a labor-intensive gift of homemade pasta and pesto; or the BFF who found the perfect two-tone purse I'd been searching for but unable to find. I want each loved one's gift to be as special and personal as theirs always are for me.

And the holidays are just around the corner, which is why I've been flipping through more catalogs than usual, looking to get inspired, creative.  Recently, a new one arrived that I'd never heard of before: Hammacher Schlemmer. Their tag line reads, "Offering the Best, the Only and the Unexpected for 168 years."

Alrighty then. Bring it on.

Would my sister like "The Brightest Lawn Dart Set" that glows in the dark? Such fun to be had for just $49. Or, at the same price, would she prefer a more sentimental gift, such as "The Animated Praying Bear" who recites Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep? 

I'll keep shopping.

My BFF is a very insightful "Oprah-like" kind of gal. Maybe she would enjoy "The Authentic Himalayan Singing Bowls" that were said to "invoke a deep state of relaxation, meditation, and spiritual well-being." A pretty amazing promise for just $199.  Or would she like something a little more indulgent, such as "The Genuine Turkish Towels" from the Denizli region of Turkey, which, the catalog claims, "is legendary worldwide for its toweling of extraordinary thickness and absorbency." Given the international acclaim, it sounds like a steal at $59.

Looking, looking.

"Tinnitus Relief Wand." Pass. "Best Bug Vacuum," "Wide Coverage Handheld Steamer, or "Tight Space Bathroom Organizer?" Nope. And while my gardening-loving sister might appreciate "The Only Unkinkable Garden Hose," I couldn't see that as a Christmas present. So far I wasn't finding much in the way of potential gifts. 

Then I saw it. The very awesome "Three Dimensional Labyrinth Orb." Hello, what was this?  Described as a "...spherical labyrinth that challenges the limits of your manual dexterity and spatial understanding as you maneuver a wooden marble through its entire course," the orb appeared to meet my criteria of fun, interesting, and unusual. This was something my new nephew-in-law might enjoy. Yowza, one gift down. That is, until I saw the price. I blinked. Read it again. Was this a typo?

$40,000.  That's right. Forty thousand big ones.

And so it was, tucked alongside products such as "The Best Tower Fan" for $129 and "The Eye Fatigue Preventing Reading Glasses" for $49, an item almost double the cost of a Toyota Prius. But hey, it does include free shipping. Maybe I could call Customer Service just to yank their chain a little, have some fun.  "Uh yes, I was perusing your catalog for a nose hair trimmer and came across your three dimensional labyrinth orb on page 73. I'll take two, please."

Or I could buy an iTunes gift card.